Am I Evil..

What I am noticing about myself from last few days is that my thoughts are becoming increasingly violent and in a way devilish. I think about raping, killing and pillaging without very less remorse or guilt. Is it because of the fact that from last few years I have been staying mostly alone, and haven't actually felt connection with other people. All I have in me are old resentments and anger which are turning me slowly very cold inside. I am afraid that I may turn into one of those crazy mass killers they show on news. The angry school kids or mentally unstable adults who go on rampage of killing other people. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to hurt people, but I am scared that all the pain which has been residing inside me for some time wants me to  take revenge and hurt other people for retribution. I feel as if slowly I am dehumanizing myself. I am turning into a monster. I have stopped having empathy for people because I am afraid that would make me vulnerable to being hurt.

Good 4 Nothing.....

“Good for nothing” that’s what some people think that I am, and even say it on my face, the worst part is I have started believing it myself. I am about to be 30 years old in a month, have an average job, no girlfriend, I don’t even remember when was the last time I went out for a good outing or a trip because I don’t have friends and also because its not easy to make time for that. When I do have leaves my parents keep on pestering me to visit them. Its not that I don’t like visiting them but then I want to go out and have fun too, wanna travel, have my pics tagged on facebook. You see very basic stuff which I think will always remain a dream for me. People generally have a bad career or a bad social life I am one of few people who is cursed with both. I feel helpless regarding most of the problems in my life. I have no clue as how do I get things sorted out and do things that I really like to do. Yes I agree that I am lazy and I have taken a lot of immature decisions regarding my career and even personal life, but the fact is who doesn’t. Everyone I know of make mistakes then why I am living such a horrid life, a life which feels like a punishment. What I hate in all of these is the attitude of my parents. They just don’t know what happiness is and expect me to live life according to their way. I may sound like a very bad son but this is how I feel. The kind of upbringing they have given me has made me so suffocated, because they have never taught me to pursue my happiness. I know they have put a lot of sacrifices for me, so that I can complete my education and stuff. What’s the use if they have never taught me to believe in myself or be happy and have fun? I want to be like everyone else travel, make friends and have fun but because I cant do it, because when I was young I was dependent on them for every approval, then when I was in college I never had enough money. And now when I am earning I have to support them, hence I can not do whatever I feel like. The worst part is that I feel terrible writing and thinking all this stuff. I feel guilty as hell of not being a good son.