Cold Turkey

It has been two days and I have not smoked. In a way I am happy, though I am having really strong cravings. I have been smoking on and off since my adolescent days, however in last 5 years I have been doing it regularly and a lot. See for me smoking is more of an emotional need than a physical one. You can say that I have tried to substitute real friends and relationships with cigarettes. For a long time whatever friends I made it was almost always over a drag of smoke. I constantly try to suppress my boredom and feeling of loneliness through cigarettes. In fact for a long time I did not want to quit because I though once I quit I wont be left with anything in life. However this time I really want to quit because I want to change my life. I want to have a healthier life. I know I am not going to make many friends now or have a great social life ever, but one thing which I can control to a certain extent is my health. If I am miserably alone, let it be healthy miserably alone.

Socially Challenged?

It seems I don’t have an “attitude”, i.e. I am incapable of being indifferent to people who have broken away from me and moved on in life. I don’t understand how do I develop this trait anyways this dog is now quit old to learn new tricks. Although it is surprising there are many friends and relatives towards whom I have been a bit indifferent or rather I am less in touch with although they would not mind me being in touch with them or interacting with them and trust me its not because of any ego problem, its just that I think a lot of times I am so engrossed in thinking about people who have absolutely no practical utility in my life that I ignore who actually matter like one of my cousins just passed a month back, and I have yet not called her mom who happens to be my aunt. Trust me I feel guilty about it everyday, and I do think of calling her up but I am kind of scared as what am I supposed to say in this situation. Boy, am I socially challenged?

My Depression Journal

I am incapable of enjoying or appreciating a feel good song because I know that I will never be able to get all the stuff being talked about.  In fact happiness is a thing about which I know very little of. I cant remember when was the last time I was truly happy. Many a times I feel like ending my life, however I find myself lacking in courage to do so. I am scared of doing what I like because I can not handle failure. With each passing day I feel more disappointed with my life. I don’t have great memories to hang on to nor do I have a great future to look forward to. All I see is me amounting to nothing significant in life. I have always been lazy and a shy person and will always remain as such.