Am I Evil..

What I am noticing about myself from last few days is that my thoughts are becoming increasingly violent and in a way devilish. I think about raping, killing and pillaging without very less remorse or guilt. Is it because of the fact that from last few years I have been staying mostly alone, and haven't actually felt connection with other people. All I have in me are old resentments and anger which are turning me slowly very cold inside. I am afraid that I may turn into one of those crazy mass killers they show on news. The angry school kids or mentally unstable adults who go on rampage of killing other people. I don't want to be like them. I don't want to hurt people, but I am scared that all the pain which has been residing inside me for some time wants me to  take revenge and hurt other people for retribution. I feel as if slowly I am dehumanizing myself. I am turning into a monster. I have stopped having empathy for people because I am afraid that would make me vulnerable to being hurt.

Good 4 Nothing.....

“Good for nothing” that’s what some people think that I am, and even say it on my face, the worst part is I have started believing it myself. I am about to be 30 years old in a month, have an average job, no girlfriend, I don’t even remember when was the last time I went out for a good outing or a trip because I don’t have friends and also because its not easy to make time for that. When I do have leaves my parents keep on pestering me to visit them. Its not that I don’t like visiting them but then I want to go out and have fun too, wanna travel, have my pics tagged on facebook. You see very basic stuff which I think will always remain a dream for me. People generally have a bad career or a bad social life I am one of few people who is cursed with both. I feel helpless regarding most of the problems in my life. I have no clue as how do I get things sorted out and do things that I really like to do. Yes I agree that I am lazy and I have taken a lot of immature decisions regarding my career and even personal life, but the fact is who doesn’t. Everyone I know of make mistakes then why I am living such a horrid life, a life which feels like a punishment. What I hate in all of these is the attitude of my parents. They just don’t know what happiness is and expect me to live life according to their way. I may sound like a very bad son but this is how I feel. The kind of upbringing they have given me has made me so suffocated, because they have never taught me to pursue my happiness. I know they have put a lot of sacrifices for me, so that I can complete my education and stuff. What’s the use if they have never taught me to believe in myself or be happy and have fun? I want to be like everyone else travel, make friends and have fun but because I cant do it, because when I was young I was dependent on them for every approval, then when I was in college I never had enough money. And now when I am earning I have to support them, hence I can not do whatever I feel like. The worst part is that I feel terrible writing and thinking all this stuff. I feel guilty as hell of not being a good son.

Cold Turkey

It has been two days and I have not smoked. In a way I am happy, though I am having really strong cravings. I have been smoking on and off since my adolescent days, however in last 5 years I have been doing it regularly and a lot. See for me smoking is more of an emotional need than a physical one. You can say that I have tried to substitute real friends and relationships with cigarettes. For a long time whatever friends I made it was almost always over a drag of smoke. I constantly try to suppress my boredom and feeling of loneliness through cigarettes. In fact for a long time I did not want to quit because I though once I quit I wont be left with anything in life. However this time I really want to quit because I want to change my life. I want to have a healthier life. I know I am not going to make many friends now or have a great social life ever, but one thing which I can control to a certain extent is my health. If I am miserably alone, let it be healthy miserably alone.

Socially Challenged?

It seems I don’t have an “attitude”, i.e. I am incapable of being indifferent to people who have broken away from me and moved on in life. I don’t understand how do I develop this trait anyways this dog is now quit old to learn new tricks. Although it is surprising there are many friends and relatives towards whom I have been a bit indifferent or rather I am less in touch with although they would not mind me being in touch with them or interacting with them and trust me its not because of any ego problem, its just that I think a lot of times I am so engrossed in thinking about people who have absolutely no practical utility in my life that I ignore who actually matter like one of my cousins just passed a month back, and I have yet not called her mom who happens to be my aunt. Trust me I feel guilty about it everyday, and I do think of calling her up but I am kind of scared as what am I supposed to say in this situation. Boy, am I socially challenged?

My Depression Journal

I am incapable of enjoying or appreciating a feel good song because I know that I will never be able to get all the stuff being talked about.  In fact happiness is a thing about which I know very little of. I cant remember when was the last time I was truly happy. Many a times I feel like ending my life, however I find myself lacking in courage to do so. I am scared of doing what I like because I can not handle failure. With each passing day I feel more disappointed with my life. I don’t have great memories to hang on to nor do I have a great future to look forward to. All I see is me amounting to nothing significant in life. I have always been lazy and a shy person and will always remain as such.